It's been a minute.

I don’t know why I feel the need to address this, but I do - This is something that has been weighing on me for quite some time and I can’t stay silent any longer. I’ve always been upfront and honest with you all when it comes to the hardships and struggles of grief - therefore, I feel the need to share. One of the hardest things about losing Ce is the lack of privacy. Your loss, your grief - all of it is in the spotlight. It’s in the spotlight for others to pass judgement, come up with their own assumptions - their own opinions. There is nothing private about this loss; you’ve watched the whole thing unfold alongside me like some Netflix series. I mean, her autopsy was leaked to the public by the media before us as a family were even notified of her cause of death.

I haven’t had a month of silence where - a news article hasn’t popped up on my timeline, a podcast hasn’t been released on a well-known platform, a new episode hasn’t been released on a crime network, or a text come thru on my phone saying, “Have you seen this?” I haven’t had a minute alone in almost 5 years to process or heal because it’s at the mercy of an audience. Do not misunderstand, I want her story to help others - I don’t want what happened to her to happen to anyone else. I want bike rides to stay bike rides. I want to raise awareness. I want girls to know to protect themselves and have the tools to fight like hell (God forbid they ever have to). However, I will never promote her death for profit - I refuse. I think the thing that upsets me the most is that my desire for privacy and to live a quiet, somewhat normal life is perceived as absence or a lack of caring. When you stay silent you get cropped out of the story; you never get to tell it, but I know my story and I’m happy with it as is. My desire is to keep my memories of her both positive and private - because that’s all I have. You guys don’t get to know everything; that wouldn’t be fair. I deserve that much. To anyone who has lost someone - have you been bombarded and harassed by well-known TV show networks and producers demanding that you share your story? That you relive it? I have hundreds of emails from Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, A&E, news stations wondering WHY don’t you talk to the media? I get messages from strangers asking very personal questions that my own friends and family even have the decency not to ask. I don’t talk to the media because I don’t owe anyone anything. I am allowed to keep to myself and I shouldn’t be judged for that. I’m not going to call anyone out, but last year I was (once again) approached by a well known TV network. I usually just press delete, but this one felt genuine so I felt the need to reply.

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Hello Kayla, I found your email address on your website. It's a beautiful memorial of your sister and a very personal exploration of your emotions. It's very powerful. Thank you for sharing. I am a producer with ---. We are producing a documentary series that explores the different stages of grief in family members who have lost loved ones. It's currently titled --- because of an example of a feeling that many families have shared with us. Each family is different and each family member within that family unique. After speaking with many people, I've learned that maybe someone is able to overcome the darkness after a tragedy but that they will never ever feel complete. Would you be willing to speak with me over the phone about our project? I'd love the opportunity to explain further and hear a little more about your sister, Sierah. Thank you for your time and consideration. Warm regards, ---

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I was very upfront with the producer. I said my goal has always been to help others with their grief - to share the journey of grief I’ve been on to assure others they’re not alone - to normalize grief. I let her know that I did not want to speak in-depth on topic’s surrounding my sister’s murder or be questioned on details. I struggle with severe PTSD and mental health issues. She promised that she would never ask anything to make me upset or do anything to make me uncomfortable. I did the interview. I was provoked of emotion to get views. I told her numerous times I didn’t feel comfortable answering her questions and that it was too emotional to relive, but she just kept prying to the point I told her I wanted to stop the interview. I was then harassed and asked to get my dad to talk to the media because, “He never has. Why hasn’t he?” She then proceeded to say, “Well there are a lot of people out there that think he doesn’t exist and that he is an absent father.” *walks out* I’m not even going to address that because anyone that knows, knows - and those that matter, don’t need me to. People are entitled to their privacy, especially with something so tragic. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They just don’t want to relive something so painful and traumatic on a daily basis. Be kind. Be thoughtful. There are two sides to every story. Let us keep ours private. We deserve it. xo, K