What We Wish You Understood About Grief
- Jan 22, 2018
- 15 min read
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Someone recently said to me that I need to stop sulking and that it was time to "get over my situation." At first, the comment really upset me. However, instead of reacting viciously to this comment, I instead took some time to reflect on what was said to me. I tried to understand where this person was coming from. More than anything, this comment made me realize why I write what I do and why I will continue to write about death and grief. So to that certain someone, thank you for being the inspiration behind this post.
If grief is a normal and natural life experience why don't we like to talk about it? Why is death such a taboo subject? Everyone will be affected by death at some point in their life; it's inevitable. Why do people get so uncomfortable when I say my sister's name?
react-text: 330 Society has taught us not to talk about grief. In turn, we have become so /react-text damn react-text: 332 uncomfortable when confronted with the painful emotions of others. /react-text
I started this blog with the main goal of simply educating others, as well as channeling my emotions in to a healthy outlet. I hope to let those who haven't experienced loss understand that grief doesn't suddenly disappear when the funeral concludes, and it most certainly doesn't fade even a year later. It truly is a life long journey. If what I write helps just one person, it's completely worth being vulnerable and opening up to the word.
I'd like to invite you all into a conversation about grief.
react-text: 343 I recently posed the following question to multiple individuals who have experienced great loss in their lives: /react-text What do you wish others understood about your grief?
I received the following responses from individuals who have lost their loved ones to suicide, accidents, murder, and more.
“What I wish others understood about my grief” has so many answers that my brain floods when this question is posed. I wish others, firstly, understood that under my circumstances of losing my sister to murder at 17 and still continuing on with my life hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination, but if you ask how I’m getting along with things; of course I’ll answer that I’m “just fine”. I don’t think many realize that grief is ongoing and forever changing. The grief I endured almost a year ago has morphed into a different beast, but it still follows me everyday. Through any happiness I may experience and at my lowest of lows, my friend called grief never fails to be at my side. The hope I hold onto is that while this unwanted pain will always follow me in life, it helps me push myself to make the best of each day living it for myself and my sister.
Makenzie Tokes
I wish people understood that with grief, you don’t just wake up one day and are over the tragedy. The days may go on and your life continues, but you can still be hurting and aching.
react-text: 360 /react-text Tessa Joughin
Grief is such a taboo subject. No one really knows how to handle situations when they know someone else is grieving. Everyone grieves differently; however, we all just wish the entire situation would go away and completely vanish from our minds. We want things to go back to the way they were before – back to when things were easier, happier, and less lonely. But is that what we really and truly want? Do we really want to bring our loved ones back to this hellish place that’s full of hate? Why do we come off so selfish when we’re grieving?
react-text: 370 Personally, my grieving began when I was just five years old. I don’t think I really knew what was going on when I woke up in the hospital with my dad standing over me asking if I knew that my sister was gone. I didn’t understand that I would never see my sister again. My entire world turned upside down in the matter of minutes. One second I was as happy as ever. I had the perfect family. I had a big sister to follow around and show me everything she knew; which included every Brittany Spears song. The next second – I woke up to a nightmare of pain, tears, and loss. Nothing would ever be the same after that day. /react-text react-text: 373 My sister didn’t deserve to die; no one does really. However, my sister was taken from us by a drunk driver. Something so stupid and selfish killed my eight-year-old sister. Now, nothing pisses me off more than finding out when people drink and drive. It doesn’t matter who you are. You could be my boyfriend, my best friend, my family, or a stranger; I will hold a grudge because you took a chance – one that could result in possibly killing someone else’s sister. No one should ever go through the experiences that I had to go through because she chose to get behind the wheel. /react-text react-text: 376 So back to grieving. What do I wish others understood about grieving? People need to understand that no matter what they say, it won’t make things better. It won’t bring my sister or your loved one back. It won’t help me hear her laugh just one more time. Things won’t change. So, it’s okay to just not talk. Show your grieving friend, family member, or whoever it may be that you are there and you will be there no matter what. And if they decide to talk about it, be there just to listen. /react-text react-text: 379 I’m still grieving over the loss of my sister and it’s been 15 years. Things don’t get easier. Knowing that I have family and friends constantly looking out for me and wanting the best for me, is more than I can ask for. I am truly blessed to have an amazing, encouraging, and loving group of family and friends. Without them, I don’t think I would be where I am today. My faith has also been a huge part of my grieving. I’ve had a lot of highs and lows, but with God, all things are possible. /react-text react-text: 382 At 21 years old, I know what grief entails. It’s hard and painful. Some days are better than others. If you’re experiencing any sort of grief, I’m here. I’m here to listen to you and the pain that you’re going through. We need to support one another. Find me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, mutual friends, no mutual friends, I promise I’ll listen and do my best to help you through this. /react-text
Abby Bilow
Grief is hard no matter what situation – it comes in many forms and shapes. Each of us experience grief differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is a wrong way to tell someone how to.
The grief I experienced at a young age was the loss of my older brother. The day I found out I can remember as if it just happened. I understood what the cops were saying but I didn’t understand the path my life just went down. I am very lucky that I have a brother and sister to grieve with. I also have my parents who are always there, but to bring up a memory causes them pain and I will prevent that as much as possible. I will hurt before them.
When you lose that person who you shared the same womb with; who knows what your mother’s heartbeat sounds like from the inside, who knows what it was like to grow up in your household – losing that person not only leaves a huge crack in your heart, but you also lose a part of your soul. No one understands you like your brother or sister. They’ve been there when mom and dad are on a cleaning rampage. They’ve been there for the family vacation – that is either the best or from hell. They are always there, no matter what – until that fateful day.
They are no longer there. They aren’t there for the birth of the newest family member. They aren’t there the day their son graduates from high school. They aren’t there for all those life events when you need them the most. The day your heart gets broken, the day you get a new job, and the holidays – all those occasions as we grow older, they are not there. I can’t even begin to explain the pain that comes those days –the questioning of "Why me? Why my family?" You are told that they are there in spirit – but those are the days when I need to see them, I need to hear their voice, I need to hug them, and I need to know for a moment that life is ok. I NEED IT!
Life just goes on and there are good days and bad – or even both. I would never wish it upon anyone else, but until you experienced loss in the same way as someone else, you have no idea how hard it is. How the grief will come in waves and knock you out; making it hard to get back up and breathe. How that grief will make you want to scream and question "Why me? Why my family?"
The only thing that allows you to get through it is those memories, the hope for the future and the day when the family is whole once again.
Shelly LaPorte
I wish people understood that it becomes a part of our lives. It is always present even when we are not openly crying or talking about it to others. The loss of my brother; the grief, the cross I bear – is who I am now. It has shaped me into a different person than I used to be. I wish people were more comfortable with my grief and talked about my brother with me. Most of all, I want people to acknowledge that my brother existed. He was so incredibly awesome, and is missed so much it hurts.
Brittany Garvin
From losing my father at the age of 5, what I wish others understood about grief is that it is going to get easier, but that doesn’t mean that it will always be easy.
What I mean by “it is going to get easier” is that yes, I am okay. You do not have to feel bad for me. You do not have to feel that I am broken, and you are allowed to talk about your father around me without becoming awkward. Yes, I had a wonderful childhood that was filled with great experiences, and yes I know that my father will never have the opportunity to watch me graduate, get married, or meet his son-in-law or grandchildren. In other words, these are things I have heard multiple times by other people with saddened tones in their voices, while looking at me with eyes that read “I feel so bad for you.”
What I mean by “but that doesn’t mean that it will always be easy” is that yes, I still cry. I still make trips to the cemetery down the street where I sit in my car for what seems like minutes but actually ends up being an hour sobbing my eyes out while looking at the picture on his grave. Yes, talking about my father is still very difficult for me to do, and 9/10 times I will choke up, my eyes will start watering, and I will excuse myself. Yes, I still have his picture by my bedside, I still pray every night he will visit me in my dreams, and I look at old pictures of him and compare them to pictures of myself now to see how similar we look. Yes, I have adapted “favorites” that I know were his favorite, even if it took me awhile to even remotely like – the color green, going to the dentist, eating baked potato skin, listening to country music. Yes, I still replay the few memories I have over and over and over in my head so that I can cherish the memories I have and never risk losing them.
In other words, grief is complicated. But what is less complicated is how you choose to handle grief. Grief is like a trial; we all face trials. Whether you are grieving due to the loss of a loved one, the loss of an object, the loss of an ability to do something – it is a similar trial for all of us. And you can fight like hell to overcome it, or you can let it overcome you. You can let it consume you in everything that you do, and you can let it get the best of you. You can let it make you feel worthless, helpless, and you can spend days wallowing in self-pity, or you can choose to fight like hell. The reason I have survived without by father by my side for the past 17 years was because every day I choose to fight like hell. react-text: 437 /react-text
Ashley McGowan
Grieving is a new way of life for those who have lost someone. It is not – cry for a week, be sad, then get over it and back on with your life kind of thing. Our everyday normal and life as we knew it has completely changed. While we don't want to cry all day everyday and think about what we lost; it definitely sometimes happens and then we can get it together again. But grief never ends. It's a lifelong constant we now carry with us.
I wish every time I share a picture or memory with my sister and brother who I've lost both in the past two years, I didn't have to think before posting. I feel as if people look at me like I'm living in the past... I just love to share these because they are still a part of me a part of my life even after death. Don't be afraid to bring up my sister or my brother. It doesn't make me sad when you say their names. In fact, it makes me smile and my heart happy that they have left an impact on your life too.
Angela Gallo
Grief... it’s something you never get over, but you do get through it. Grief becomes a part of your life that you never ever wanted. Grief has also grown my faith stronger and my love for Jesus Christ. If not for my faith and the constant presence of the Lord I don’t think my journey would turn out the way it has. I lost my son 2 1/2 years ago so unexpectedly. He was my baby boy even though he was 30. He had the best smile and the biggest heart. He went through some hard years, but at the end of his life he was a shining light for Jesus and helped many get through hard strong holds. He had a heart for the homeless and the addicted. He shared the Gospel with people on the street. Everyone was his friend. I miss him everyday, everything about him. I have such great peace though because I know he is not really gone, but truly starting his life with Christ in Heaven. The most beautiful thing is that will be with him someday, forever. I am so thankful God gave me the gift I called son. Grief is hard, we weren’t meant to have it, and are unable to wrap our minds around it. So I live my life to help others through their grief through Grief Share classes. God will use your brokenness to help others through their brokenness. It’s all His doing. Although, it’s a hard calling, it’s rewarding. People going through grief become a family, we get it. It’s true "what does not break you, will make you stronger." I choose stronger, I choose Jesus, I choose life until I am called to my true Home. I pray everyone that has lost a loved one does not get stuck in their grief. Jesus has made a way for us to have eternal life... don’t let Satan win by keeping you in sorrow... he has already been defeated. Death has lost it's sting and we have victory in eternal life. I know my son is waiting for me... until I go home, I will fill out my purpose for what God has created me to be... serve and love others. God bless you all. Prayers going up to all those that have suffered loss, don’t get stuck there. Much love and peace!
Debbie Majerek Shirrell
Life is hard. Loss is even harder; especially when it's unexpected and unnatural. How a loved one died plays a huge part in the grieving process. And just like any major life event in life, good or bad, loss and grief changes you.
Grief is more than just stages or emotions. Grief becomes a part of you.
It's a catalyst. Some people live the rest of their lives wondering about the "what ifs" and "what could have been." Personalities change. Outlooks change. Coping mechanisms change. We push people away or pull people closer. Some turn to drugs or drinking. Some lose their faith.
The thing is; it's different for everyone.
Cassandra Joiner
react-text: 478 I never realized what true grief felt like until I lost my mom. It's not something that kicked in as soon as I got the phone call. it wasn't during my tear filled drive home, or even later as I drove 14 hours from my house in NC back to MI; where I soon began to question my whole existence almost. What I had always known to be home or "haven" would never have the same feeling. Gone with no return, no more of what I had always known, a total 360. /react-text react-text: 481 Grief works in mysterious ways. It reveals itself more than others almost at random, but there's also this consistency that never goes away. I'm a firm believer that time heals. Things come into a clearer perspective, while certain aspects gain a bigger blur in the midst of grief,. Though time doesn't change the fact of the matter, I believe it only helps our conscious in seeing things in a new light. The line between our clear understanding and the blurred parts sort of begin to balance out. Again, some days all I see and feel is just a huge blur, but then on my better days; I see and feel with more of a clear understanding about life, loss, and the picking up of pieces. Perspective and an open mind are the two biggest things that have helped broaden my battle with grief. You slowly learn to breathe in love like you used to and exhale the bad more often than before. Life really is too short to be too consumed by anything! Though things are completely different after losing someone on SO many levels; there is a new perspective that is revealed. Through which I believe also reveals a new light that helps make the process more understanding and precious. We are also able to reveal a lot about ourselves on many levels in return. /react-text react-text: 484 To sum it all up, grief is a cluster of constant emotion, heartache, questions, and a rollercoaster of feelings. On the flip side, it is a chance to become stronger and an opportunity to strengthen yourself, mind, surroundings, bonds and so on, through my eyes. All we can do as humans is be the best we can and absorb all that we can, all while supporting one another, not just through grief but, in life! Teamwork makes the dream work! /react-text
Ashley Sturm
What I wish others understood about grief is that it's not just a process that you can work your way through. It's a forever change in your life. You will always have it with you. Every special event that your loved one isn't at, all the milestones in life you realize they don't get to experience, and even when a sequel comes out to their favorite movie. A piece of your heart belongs to them forever and it's always going to sting. You will be happy again. There is nothing like watching your other children graduate college, get married, or hand you your first grandchild, & then your second... These events are huge, precious moments, just as they would be if your loved one were still here. But, you can't help but go there. There will forever be that tear that runs silently down your cheek when you think about who you are missing and you know the rest of the family is feeling it too.
Melanie Richardson Reid
Grief isn't something you can shake off. It isn't a temporary sadness you feel after a heartbreak or anger after a fight. It's still feeling an empty spot in the room at family gatherings even when everyone is having a great time. It's instinctively going to ask for advice, but realizing you no longer can. It's the lingering anxiety it gives you about loss and purpose of life. It's never quite feeling like everything is complete anymore. Grief brings so much questioning and sadness. But grief also brings motivation. It brings strength and it ties bonds that were once loose. I guess if there was one particular thing I'd want others to understand about grief; is that it doesn't go away, but you do have the power on how you use it. You may let it destroy you emotionally or let it push you further to make them proud.
Anonymous
To understand that everyone experiences grief differently and that’s okay.
Taylor Joughin
Death doesn’t always happen with “good timing." Sometimes it strikes the children. Sometimes the elderly. It doesn’t always happen peacefully. Sometimes people die from natural disasters or plane crashes. Sometimes people are crying and saying “help me” while they gasp for their last breath. Sometimes they are killed at the hands of others. Sometimes they are lucky and do die peacefully in their sleep. There’s no exact recipe. No guarantees. None of us know exactly how it will happen to us or to the remainder of our loved ones still here on earth. But it will. That’s for certain.
Same with grief. There’s no exact recipe on how it will hit you and how you will deal with it. No one really knows how to talk about it and deal with it. Everyone has their own beliefs of what happens afterwards but no one really knows for sure. They say grief comes and goes in waves. I believe that to be true. They say it’s something you have to move “through." I also believe that is true. I don’t think there’s any way to get “around” grieving the loss of a loved one. I do think it’s healthy to talk about it, talk about the deceased, cry, snort, laugh.
But no matter what we’re feeling and what we are thinking, we are still here. I would be everything I own and I believe with every ounce of my being that the people we most loved who are now gone are so much wanting us to be happy. They know that we fell in to a black abyss and had our hearts shattered. They know it’s hard, but I believe that they still want us to enjoy this life while we have it. They loved us as much as we loved them and they would not want our lives to crumble and become meaningless just because of their death. If they could come back and have one more conversation with us I know that is what they would say. They would say that life is a gift. It is short. Enjoy it. And “we’ll soon meet again."
Robin Gardner
In loving memory of all those who have gone too soon.
Rest In Peace.
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