The Empty Chair

The Holiday Season

Their permanent absence is impossible to ignore – Impossible to fill.

The empty chair at the dinner table, the presents not bought, the empty stocking, the quiet – their laugh conspicuously absent, no longer filling the room.

Every day is hard. Every day holds its own amount of unavoidable pain and heartbreak, but the holidays have their own way of twisting the knife.

They feel forced.

You’re forced to fake a happy face. To give gifts against their will.

You’re forced to pretend that you didn’t just have a complete meltdown in Marshalls the week before when you saw a sweater that you would have bought them.

And another when you realized you couldn’t call and ask about combining gifts.

You’re forced to pretend it wasn’t a horrible few hours when you had to drive to Grandma’s house alone because you no longer have your favorite carpool buddy.

You’re going to want to stay in bed all day. You won’t want to touch a present or celebrate. It will not feel like a time of celebration, but instead a time of mourning.

But you will get through it. And more than anything, I hope you can find a smile between your tears.

Light a candle. Cry. Start a new tradition in their memory.

Here are some tips that have helped me cope with my grief during the holidays. I pray these suggestions work for you, but if not, I pray that you will find something positive to ease the pain.

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Start a New Tradition

Light a special candle in memory of them and place it on the dinner table. After everyone sits down, acknowledge that the candle is being lit to honor the life of your loved one. Another idea is to ask family members and friends to write a note to your loved one or share a memory of them. Place them in their stocking to be opened and read on Christmas Day.

Initiate Conversation

Start conversation about your loved one. Recognize that they’re not there. Remember them. Don’t wait for someone else to initiate conversation about them. Share your favorite story about your loved one and ask that everyone tells a funny story about them as well.

Blue Christmas

In some communities, there is a “Blue Christmas” ceremony on December 21st each year. Families gather to remember their loved one with music, candles, and a devotional message. Some are sponsored by local chapters of The Compassionate Friends. If there is not one in your area, your church may be willing to host one.

Donate and Volunteer

Give donations in your loved one’s name to organizations that purchase Christmas gifts for families in need or food for families at Thanksgiving. Volunteer at a nursing home, hospital, children’s shelter, or soup kitchen. Helping improve the lives of others despite the pain of grief can help take the focus off yourself and your loss.

Have a Separate Tree

Have a separate tree full of ornaments or memorabilia for your loved one and use the main tree as usual for the rest of the family. Fill the tree with ornaments that remind you of them. Collect ornaments for them as you’re out shopping for others.

Travel for The Holidays

Rent a cabin or a condo and have the same people involved, but experience the season in another location. Choose a place with a natural focus for activity that isn’t all about the holiday, like skiing in the mountains or near a lake or beach.

Have a Plan B

Plan A may be that you are going to Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Christmas Eve dinner with family and friends. If it does not feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be a movie you and your absent loved one both liked, a photo album to look through, or going to a special place you went together. Having a plan B in place does not mean that you have to use it, sometimes just knowing that it’s there is enough.

Attend a Holidays Seminar

This event is sponsored by GriefShare and it’s free! The event lasts for about two hours. You will be able to talk with other people who understand what you’re going through, as well as learn helpful tips for surviving the holidays. You can find a seminar near you at https://www.griefshare.org/holidays

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One last thing, know you are not alone. Never believe that lie. Look around you, find someone who has also lost a loved one this year - share a good cry together and a hug. If I could jump through the screen right now I would, because I know how hard holidays can be when you have lost a loved one.

Grief also has a unique way of giving us the permission to really evaluate what parts of the Holidays you enjoy and what parts you don’t. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to handle the Holidays in grief. You have to decide what is right for you and do it. You have every right to change your mind, even a few times. Friends and family members may not have a clue how to help you through the Holidays and you may not either.

Wishing you moments of peace during the holiday season,

K

If you’re feeling particularly desperate or are contemplating suicide, a 24-Hour Crisis Hotline to call is: 212-673-3000. This is a completely confidential service, staffed by professionally trained volunteers who have responded to over 1 million calls, providing immediately accessible ongoing emotional support to those who are in distress or suicidal.

#grief #loss #holidays