I'm Just Used to It

I’ve gotten used to it.

The empty chair.

A broken “Party of four” – Who were once an undamaged party of five.

The “Who is this?” reply from the new owner of her cell number that I’m still unashamedly texting over a

year later.

No longer seeing her bedroom light flood in to my room through the ceiling of my closet – That once served as a confirmation of her vibrant presence.

Feeling the urge to knock on her bedroom door when the clock ticks past 10 AM – Wanting ever so badly to crawl in to bed with her and watch a movie… We can watch ‘27 Dresses’ for the 10th time and I

won’t even complain, I PROMISE.

The silhouette of two sisters having their annual ‘Soup and Salad Date’ at Olive Garden.

Only getting visits from her in my dreams.

Waking up in the morning and only looking forward to going back to bed.

Avoiding family photos because we will never truly be whole again without her – We will never be complete.

Startling myself at the realization that she is truly gone – That I will never again hear her voice, see her face, or feel her familiar bear hug.

I’ve gotten used to the bolt of sadness that emits through every fiber of my being whenever I hear someone refer to her in past tense.

I’ve gotten used to hiding the grief – Hiding the constant, overwhelming sadness.

The numbing ache in my chest that I am unable to soothe.

I’ve just… gotten used to it. I’ll never get over it. I’m just learning how to live with it.

You find a new normal.

It’s staying home all the time and sleeping for 4 days in a row.

It’s greasy hair because you haven’t showered in a week.

It’s tear stained pillow and trash covering every inch of your room because the thought of cleaning it makes you sick.

It’s a pill when you wake up.

It’s therapy every Wednesday.

It’s cancelled plans - It’s telling your friends your busy because you can’t handle the thought of leaving your bed.

People in the real world always say, when something terrible happens, that the sadness and loss and aching pain of the heart will ‘lessen as time passes,’ but it isn’t true. Sorrow and loss are constant – You just find a new normal.