"You seem like you are doing okay."

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What is grief?

It’s everything but beautiful.

It’s never getting used to the “10 second heartbreak.” (The time it takes to wake up to full consciousness each day and remember)

It's scribbling and pasting your life like puzzle pieces looking for a different outcome - every second of every day.

It's holding pictures and words close to you heart - reliving moments and slices of the life you spent together - again and again terrified of forgetting a single nanosecond.

It’s laying on the cold, hard tile of the bathroom floor with mascara running down your face - crying until your gasping for air.

It’s bloodshot eyes from days without sleep and forcing yourself to get out of bed every day and paint on a smile.

It's clutching brown plastic bottles of pain pills and clear, slick glasses of drink.

It’s pouring alcohol down your throat, hoping it will take the pain away - but unfortunately there will never be enough to eradicate the pain you feel.

It’s going days without eating (not that you’re even hungry). And then it’s eating. And eating - eating to fill the void - and gaining 30 lbs. in the short course of 5 months.

Its having feelings of anxiety and restlessness as your constant companions.

It's sneaking away to the bathroom to cry off all your makeup - to cry in absolute silence. Then, calmy reapplying your makeup and walking out like nothing happened.

It's having rainy days seem extra dreary and sunny days seem an outrage.

It’s forgetting that they’re gone and catching yourself walking around to find them, out of habit - because you saw something and you want to tell them - because you simply just want to hear their voice. And then realizing they aren’t there anymore, and having the wind knocked out of you all over again.

It’s having a mental breakdown when you sign in to Netflix and you’re asked, ‘Who’s Watching?’ And realizing that you're never going to finish Season 3 of Jane the Virgin together - or receive another "Team Rafael" text.

And having another meltdown everytime Snapchat reminds you that it’s been awhile since you and your sister snapped - and she “NEEDS LOVE.”

It’s telling your worried friends that your "busy," but in reality, leaving your bed is the equivalent to climbing Mount Everest.

It's losing friends - a lot of friends.

It’s not being able to type words in to your computer or even press the inbox for your mail.

It’s wishing that time would stop - because the effort it takes to walk is unsettling. Words can't form in your mouth and your blood feels paralyzed.

Most of the time I like to think I’m doing pretty well (considering). I have days that make it seem like no progress has been made. Those nights bring me right back to the moment my heart got shattered into a million pieces.

And those moments leave me gasping for air and wondering how on earth I’m going to live the rest of my life without my sister.

I also question how any one thing could possibly hurt so much and not kill me. The grief is not comparable to anything I could ever explain.

But I guess that this all part of the process. With all grief, comes bad days. With losing someone you love, it is important to remember you won’t heal overnight. It is important to remember that it is a long process. No amount of time can heal a part of who you are.

You endured horrible pain. You got broken. And you are still surviving.

Your fellow "grieving person,"

K