"Let me know if there is anything I can do."

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The weeks that followed the loss of my sister are filled with an excessive fog. I don’t remember much - all I can really remember is food, hugs, and lots-and-lots of “I’m sorry.” Most of the faces, along with their gifts, are a total blur – unfortunately.

It is just now – 9 months later, that I have finally been able to recall the extraordinary ways that people showed up to love me and my family. Their words and gifts helped in ways beyond the comfort of feeling loved. Some were ordinary and very practical – while others I would have never considered. Flower-givers, casserole-makers and card-senders are equally important, don’t get me wrong.

Grieving is so individual. What we need, what we want, how we feel – it is truly different for everyone. It is really difficult, sometimes even uncomfortable, to know what to do around a “grieving person.” People often tiptoe around us – walking on eggshells – feeling helpless.

There were a lot of people that wanted to help me and my family right away. To be honest, none of us really knew what is was that we needed. We were just trying to get through each day – hour by hour – minute by minute.

If you’ve ever lost someone, then you know – grief lasts longer than sympathy.

For those who may have someone close to them that is experiencing loss, here is a list of ideas if you’re not quite sure what to do or say:

1. Get Personal Don’t be afraid to make us cry! I promise that within those tears will come comfort. Hearing all of the beautiful, funny stories about my sister was reassuring – reassuring to know that people would miss her - that she had an impact on so many people’s lives – that she made a difference. Write something personal in that sympathy card – share with us the memories you made with our loved one.

2. Gift Cards to Restaurants Sometimes months go by before you are able to prepare a bowl of cereal or toast – the simplest of things become overwhelming.

3. Breath Mints and Gum Bad breath – that’s what happens when you cry a lot and are running solely on emotional fumes. There is a lot of hugging and having to talk close-up – it’s the gift that keeps on giving. And to be honest, I don’t even know if I brushed my teeth those first few weeks.

4. Be a Good Listener Listening is probably the most underappreciated gift – yet the most valuable. And I know a lot of you don’t really know what to say – it’s hard to find the right words. Don’t feel bad, it’s just as awkward for me as it for you.

5. Things to Occupy Children My brother is a lot younger. I won’t lie – it was really difficult for us to make sure he was getting the attention that he needed. Books, toys, Legos, board games – these types of things helped give my brother something do while we were all distracted and unavailable.

6. Paper Plates Weird, right? Those dishes pile up quick – there’s no time for doing dishes – and it’s just too much to handle.

7. Checking in Regularly Some days I had the energy to reply, some days I didn’t, but every time I appreciated knowing someone was still thinking about me. It took less energy than a phone call too, which I appreciated. And PLEASE, don’t stop doing this after a few months have passed. Do it a year or two later too. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and they kind of forget to follow up – to offer love and support. Be the person who follows up.

8. Be Patient There are 5 stages of grief – Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (I currently fluctuate between denial and anger). Don’t take it personally if he or she lashes out or acts irrationally around you. Be prepared for your friend to go through the five stages of grief.

9. Prayer A huge shout-out to prayer. Sometimes when you’re at a loss for words, the best thing to say is “I’m so sorry and I’m praying for you,” BUT PLEASE mean it.

10. Love Above everything, show your love – show up – say something – do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Be there. Be a friend. Show love. Love is the thing that lasts.

Showing up – being there – in whatever way you can is what really matters most. Realize it’s going to be awkward. And awkward is ok – it’s just part of it. There’s a place for everyone at the grief table – the Kleenex givers – the huggers – AND the casserole makers.

K