The Unimaginable

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Your cell phone rings and you are jolted awake. Your mom’s caller ID illuminates the screen. What time is it? Why is she calling me right now?

Little do you know; your whole life is about to change. Everything you have ever known will soon be shattered in to oblivion.

You answer. Confused. Still half asleep. Instantly wishing you hadn’t picked up the phone.

“Uh... Hello?”

You can hear it in her voice as soon as she starts to speak. Something is wrong. She is trying her best to keep her composure – to shield you from the harsh reality that will soon quickly unfold, but you can hear the chaos in the background.

“Mom? What is wrong? What happened?”

Then she speaks those words. The words that will alter who I am forever.

“Kayla, I need you to stay calm. Don’t freak out… Sierah is missing.”

Your breath escapes from your lungs. She doesn’t have to say anything more – You KNOW what this means.

You jump in your car. Leaving everything behind – everything you once knew. Not even remembering to grab your purse. You just need to get there – be there – because the sooner you get there… the sooner you can confirm that this is all some big understanding – just a cruel, sick joke.

You arrive – what you see is something straight out of a movie. A movie which has now become your new reality.

Flashing lights. Uniforms. Scribbling down of notes. Muffled voices over walkies. Caution tape.

3 days? Are you sure it was only 3 days?

“Evidence found connecting James D. Worley to disappearance of Sierah Joughin.”

“Man linked to woman’s disappearance charged with abduction.”

“There is no evidence at this time to indicate Sierah Joughin is not alive at this time."

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Nothing could ever prepare me for this next moment – NOTHING.

During this moment – I swear I left my body. Hovering slightly above myself.

Your dad’s phone rings. Everyone huddles around. Listening closely for any updates.

You sit across from it all. Watching the scene unfold like some terrible Lifetime movie.

You don’t even have to ask for clarification. No one has to say a word.

You. Just. Know.

And that’s when the screams start. The blood-crippling, earth-shattering screams. Your knees buckle and everyone follows in suit – falling to their knees.

I can still smell the wet grass pressed against my face as I laid there – face down – completely immobilized... for hours.

Gag. Vomit. Shout – NO! NO! NO!

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Refuse to believe it.

This happens to other people, to other families – Not mine – NOT HER!

Your body goes in to shock – to the point where you can’t even remember your own name.

Everything goes silent.

24 hours pass and the first thing you are able to muster up is – “What am I going to do without her?”

You somehow stumble through the raw first days. Shower. Press small pieces of food to your lips. Sip water.

Realize the desperate animal sounds you hear are coming from your own body. Wonder how it is that your lungs keep filling with air, repeatedly – wishing they would just stop working – wishing everything would just STOP.

Sit through the memorial service. Thank the cottony cloud of shock that makes all this feel like some awful nightmare that you will soon awake from.

Cling to it. It will be worse when it, too, leaves you.

Fall completely and utterly apart.

Imagine the rest of your life, all the love and loss, the weddings and births, the sick days and vacations, and how damned bittersweet every single event of your life will be because your sister will not be there.

Dream of the faces of the nieces and nephews you’ll never have.

Ask why her? Over and over again, and wait desperately for the answer that will never come.

Hurt. Hurt so much you feel as though you will bleed to death from the pain of it.